Yeast Isn't Just for Baking Bread

When I think of yeast I think of baking bread.  The smell as it rises warms a person's soul.  Yeast can also make most women cringe in the form of a nasty infection in the nether regions.  One thing I never expected was to strip down to get in the shower and smell a bakery.  Yep.  I smell like bread.  Why?  I have yeast infections underneath both of my breasts, between my fat rolls, in the crevices of both of my legs, and even in my belly button.  All I can say is fan-freakin'-tastic!  Now I have to battle the fat people smell and the bread smell.  Oh, the fabulous trials of a fat woman. 

In an earlier post I mentioned going to Mexico for a gastric bypass.  I have been doing a lot of research and I think I'm leaning more towards a gastric sleeve.  There are several companies out there that do medical tourism.  It's where they help people, like me, whose insurance won't cover certain surgeries find affordable prices in other countries.  The higher end ones make sure their surgeons are internationally certified and their facilities are top of the line.  Hmmmm....

Serious Anxiety

Last night was wretched.  I just knew that if I fell asleep I wasn’t going to wake up.  My mind raced over the fact that because I’m morbidly obese chances of my having a heart attack are HUGE especially since I have a family history of heart disease.  The idea of my kids waking up to a dead mommy seriously stressed me out.  That anxiety turned into a minor attack which felt like a heart attack which fed my worries. 

You would think worrying so much over my weight would kick start my not-so-tiny hiney into gear, but it doesn’t.  I’ll do great for a couple of weeks.  I record what I eat and stay within a certain calorie range.  I exercise every morning.  Then, one day, I’ll sleep in or I’ll splurge on some high fat high calorie treat and I’m off the wagon.  Every time I fall off the wagon it’s harder to get back on because I put on 10-15 pounds while I’m off.  What is wrong with me?  I just want to be healthy.  I don’t want to worry about dying before my 2 year old remembers me.  I want to be there when my daughter graduates college.  It’s not going to happen if I stay the weight I am.  I will die early.  Ugh.

My aunt and baby sister both think I should get a gastric bypass.  I would love to get a surgery to help.  The problem is they are EXPENSIVE.  I don’t have that kind of money and if I did there are a lot of other things I need before I need weight loss surgery.  A friend of mine got her tubes untied in Mexico.  Maybe I should look into what the surgery would cost there.  Then maybe I could afford it.  I just don’t know what to do.  Diet and exercise seem like the perfect solution, but when you’re 150 pound overweight dieting feels like depriving yourself which causes some serious mental issues and exercise hurts and makes you sick. 

Any ideas?

Chocolate...it's good for me, right?!

Everyone has different ways for dealing with stress.  My dad rides his bike.  I eat chocolate.  I wonder if that’s why he’s 9 inches taller than I am and 90 pounds lighter….naw….that can’t be it.

Anyway, there is just something about eating a bar of chocolate that makes me feel better.  At least it does temporarily.  Once the initial euphoria wears off there’s the feelings of guilt that take its place because I have once again added unneeded calories to my hips.  I know that somewhere I read that chocolate is good for me.  If it is, then why is it eating a pound of it can make me put on so much weight?

To answer my own question I did some research.  Here’s what I found:

Chocolate has quite a few benefits.  In fact, dark chocolate has almost eight times the antioxidants that strawberries have and has a lot of the health benefits that dark vegetables have.  (Please note that all benefits come from eating dark chocolate.  The milk in milk chocolate inhibits the body’s ability to absorb all of the antioxidants and other good stuff the chocolate has to offer.)

Chocolate’s benefits:

1. It can help fight the signs of aging.
2. It can reduce blood pressure for those suffering from high blood pressure.
3. It can reduce LDL cholesterol (bad cholesterol) by up to 10%.
4. It stimulates endorphin production, which gives a feeling of pleasure.
5. It contains serotonin, which acts as an antidepressant.
6. It contains theobromine, caffeine, and other substances which are all stimulants.

Nice, right?!  It’s no wonder when I’m stressed chocolate helps!!  The problem I have is I consume too much of it and the wrong kind.  I usually pick up milk chocolate and eat A LOT of it.  According to studies, the maximum dark chocolate a person should eat per day is 3.5 ounces.  That’s a lot less than the pound I like in my diet.  It’s also very important that the chocolate be dark.  Chocolate has a lot of fat and calories in it, and although they might not be the type to impact your cholesterol, they can still impact your waistline.

So, if you’re like me and just need a little bit of chocolate to deal with the little surprises life throws at you, reach for a small 3.5 ounce of dark chocolate.  Savor it.  Then get back on the horse and face what life throws you head on.  Good luck!  I know I need it.

Portion Sizes

Did you know that a cereal bowl will actually hold almost 3 servings of Special K?  It will.  When my weight loss is going well I measure everything.  Lately, I haven't been.  As I filled my cereal bowl I realized I was actually getting a lot more than when I measure it out, so I decided to measure exactly how much more I was getting.  It turned out I was getting A LOT more.  In fact, I was getting almost three times more.  Wow!  Plus, because I'm not measuring my milk, I'm getting more milk, and I usually refill my bowl with enough cereal to use up all of my milk, too.  Who wants to waste milk, right? 

Serving sizes are all bigger now than they used to be.  That's true in restaurants as well as fast food places.  It's no wonder Americans are such chunk-a-monks.  We be hungry!!  Plus, if they give us all that food it would be rude not to eat it all.

The excuses we give ourselves for why we do things is amazing to me.  One of my favorites is how Marilyn Monroe was a size 14, so big women have always been sexy.  HELLO!!  Sizes have changed over the years.  A size 14 in her day would be closer to a size 7 today.  She was far from being a "big" woman.  She was curvy, yes, but she wasn't big. 

That's what I want to be...a curvy size 7 or 10.  I would definitely be happy a curvy size 10.

Maybe I should try out for the Biggest Loser on NBC.  Having a trainer push me and a $250,000 prize dangled in front of me might be the motivation I need to finally achieve my goals.  Hmmm...

The Battle Continues

During a war the wisdom of a military's leaders, the perseverance of the troops, and luck all play into who comes out victorious at the end of each battle.  The battle of the bulge is no different.  Each day is a battle, and each one is fought against ourselves. 

In the beginning, I was pretty even kiltered.  I won some and I lost some.  Recently, I have lost more than I have won.  In order to change the outcome I need to restrategize.  The wisdom I have.  Eating healthy and within a certain given calorie intake is a must.  Exercising vigorously at least 20 minutes everyday is a must.  Knowing is half the battle.  Right?  Wrong.  Knowing is simply preparing for the battle.  The battle begins when the decision is made to get up and do something about my weight. 

For the last couple of weeks I haven't even bothered.  I've simply ignored my body's protests to being so heavy.  Now, I need to make the first steps back into getting healthy.  Every night I worry I'll die of a heart attack in my sleep and my kids will wake up to a dead mommy.  That is my worst fear.  To conquer it I need to wage war with myself.  I need to be the woman I know I can.  So...the strategy...I don't have one yet, but I'm working on it.  I'll let you know once I have any idea how to lose the weight.  What I've done so far obviously hasn't worked, so I need something else.  Hmmm...any ideas?

Bike Riding in the Rain

Bike riding is one of the few physical activities I actually enjoy.  It's a little more of a challenge here, in Oklahoma, because there are A LOT of hills whereas in California the areas I rode were mostly flat.  Still, both of my kids love it.  My two year old son loves getting on his "hat" (helmet) to ride his "bike-cycle."  He actually sits in a seat on the back of my bike, but he refers to it as his.  That's fine by me.

Today my daughter and her friend asked if we could ride bikes to the park and play.  I figured why not, so we helmeted up and headed out.  Once we were on the road I had serious doubts if I could make it or not.  The hills seemed a lot steeper than the last time we rode.  Then again, the last time we rode that far was over six months ago and I was thirty pounds lighter.  It's amazing how much difference 30 pounds can make!!  I did make it.  Yay me!

No sooner did we get off our bikes and head to the swings than the sky darkened up and the heavens let loose with gumball sized rain drops.  We were all laughing as we got back on our bikes and headed home.  The rain was a powerful motivator when it comes to speed.  The trip home took a lot less time than the trip there.  Plus, we were laughing the whole way getting soaked!  Now, we're enjoying some hot chocolate while we play Blokus (if you've never played it is a must have).

Bike riding in the rain made me realize something.  I don't hate all exercise.  It's only exercise I view as a workout I detest.  Hmmm...I wonder if it's possible to lose weight and enjoy doing it?

Looking Greasy: A Fat Person's Image

Baby powder is my best friend.  After I shower I put it in every crevice I can think of.  I do the same thing anytime I get dressed.  It's not that I want to smell like powder.  It's that I don't want to smell like a fat person.  Yes, fat has a smell.  I'm sure each one of us at some point has been in close proximity to someone grossly overweight who smells fat.  The smell is unique, a blend of grease, dirty hair, and body odor.

The fat smell is a constant battle.  One I’m not about to lose.  My pants might not fit.  My chins might have eaten my neck.  My belly button might no longer be visible.  I might hate all of those things, but they will not be excuses to allow the fat smell to become a part of me.

Another fantastic appearance killer us chunky monkeys have to deal with is the grease effect.  The stuff oozes from our pores.  Many women try to get around it by layering on foundation and face powder.  This can sometimes work.  Other times it backfires and they end up with their make-up caked on top of the grease which makes the grease stand out more.  My forehead, nose, and chin are the grease traps on my face.  During the day I am constantly wiping my face with a paper towel or a Kleenex.  It’s not sweat I’m battling…it’s grease oozing from my pores.  The fatter I get, the nastier it gets.  Before I joined the morbidly obese, I was a sweater.  It’s what I attributed my amazing skin to.  I figured the sweat kept the impurities out of my skin.  Now that my pores drip grease instead of sweat my skin is yucky.  I have constant breakouts and blackheads make regular appearances on my nose.  It’s great!!

My hair is a different story.  Whereas many triple extra medium individuals have grease locks, I usually do not.  I could go three days without washing my hair before it began looking grody.  I know people, though, who can barely make it through the day without having to wash it again.  I don’t know why that is.  Maybe it’s body chemistry.

Whatever the reasons behind the fat smell, the grease ooze, and the nappy hair, it’s imperative as a large woman to do what I can to counteract the effects until I do something about the cause (my excess body fat).

Johnson’s baby powder, Degree for women, and astringent wipes are my weapons in the battle against the stereotypical fat person’s image!!

Stressed vs. Depressed

The Webster’s New World Dictionary 1990 (yes, it’s a printed dictionary instead of an online one…laugh if you want to, but I like using an old school dictionary) provides the following definitions:

stress:  3a) mental or physical tension

depress:  2) to sadden; deject

Using these two definitions it makes sense that if people are under a lot of stress, then that stress will eventually lead to becoming depressed.  I have been suffering from both recently.

Why?  Well, let’s recap my last year.  I moved to Oklahoma.  It was a great decision I don’t regret.  My children are thriving and they are growing up knowing relatives they may never have met otherwise.  I was unable to find a teaching job, so I’ve been substitute teaching.  It’s been a great experience, but I can barely afford to pay my bills.  Plus, today was my last day of work.  I’ve applied to over a dozen places for a summer job, but I have yet to get a call for an interview.  Next school year is also up in the air since I have yet to secure a teaching job.  I’m also lonely.  My daughter has made numerous friends, but I have yet to make one.  Not having anyone near me is hard.  I have my aunts and my grandma, but that’s not the same as having a friend.  I also sold my truck and bought a car.  My truck had some issues, like having to get out the passenger side Dukes of Hazard style, but its engine and air conditioning worked great.  My car is a piece of crap.  I’ve replaced its pulley system, it alternator, and had to fork over a big chunk of money to get the a/c fixed.  It ran fine for about a month.  Now it’s making horrible noises again and the a/c no longer works.  What else?  Oh, yeah, my garbage disposal died tonight while I was cleaning the kitchen.  Fabulous, right?!

Last, but definitely not least…I have put on a good 50 pounds since I moved here.  Yep, fifty pounds in twelve months.

So….the stresses in my life…1) no job for the summer = no way to pay my bills in July or August, 2) no job for next school year = no way to pay my bills starting in September, 3) no friends = crushing loneliness, 4) my car sucks, 5) other little issues that keep popping up like the garbage disposal, and 6) weight gain = none of my clothes fit, I hate looking in the mirror, etc.

Yikes.  That’s a long list.  It’s not as bad as I thought it was, though, and it could be a lot worse, so I guess I shouldn’t get depressed.  The problem is no matter how I rationalize it, depression isn’t always rational.  Little stresses add up quickly.  When I get stressed out I eat.  When I eat a lot I start feeling lousy.  When I start feeling lousy I quit caring about exercising.  Then I gain weight which adds to my stress level.  Pretty soon every little thing piles up to the point I’m in a downward tailspin where I just want to crawl under the covers and ignore the world. 

Unfortunately, I can’t hide.  I have to take care of my children.  They’re the only thing holding me together. 

I need to find a way to battle my boughts of sadness.  I need to find a way to get myself back into the habits that will lead to a healthier me.  It’s hard to do that when I have no motivation whatsoever.  My dad telling me my weight will kill me doesn’t motivate me. My pants not fitting doesn’t motivate me.  I don’t know what would.  I HATE exercise.  I LOVE eating.  Those two things combined have only one outcome…morbid obesity. 

I keep thinking if I could reduce some of the stresses in my life, then maybe I could find a way to motivate myself.  The question is how.  I wish I had answers.  All I have right now is questions.

Good luck to those of you in your own battles with stress, depression, and getting healthy.  If you find something that works send it my way.  God knows I could use some help!!

Renaissance

I did something new this weekend that boosted my confidence by ten fold.  I got dressed up and went to a Renaissance Festival in Muskogee, Oklahoma.  There were more beautiful men there than I knew existed in Oklahoma and they were sporting kilts, leggings, and/or pirate garb.  Not only did they look scrumptious, they also told me how beautiful I looked.  My size didn’t matter.  My smile and my laugh did.  Being called “M’ lady” all day was pretty amazing, too.  

For almost seven hours I walked around with my kids enjoying the sights, sounds, and smells of the Renaissance Era.  The only time we sat down was to take a carriage ride and watch the jousting. Otherwise, we were moving.  By the end of the day my feet hurt and my legs were sore, but I had a permanent smile plastered on my face.

Who knew all I needed to feel good about myself again was some positive male attention from men who are complete strangers?!  It makes me want to get back on the diet/exercise horse and ride to a healthier size.  I forgot how nice it is to be told I’m beautiful by someone not related to me.  It’s been a long time.

Here I am with my son.  He, my daughter, and one of her friends dressed up, too.  We had sooooo much fun!!

Everyday Changes

One thing that has always bothered me about Jillian's 30 Day Shred is where she says how just taking the stairs isn't enough to change your body.  That might be true for drastic changes, but taking the stairs instead of the elevator is a great way to add cardio into your everyday routines.  Another great way is to park farther from the door at the grocery store than you normally would.  It might not bring about fast results, but it will definitely make a difference in the long term where health is concerned.

I think I've been taking that for granted.  The everyday changes that will benefit my health.  Am I only losing a pound per week?  Yes.  Is it depressing?  Yes.  However, I'm not doing what's necessary for quick results.  I'm doing what's necessary to improve my overall health for the long term.  It's important to keep that in mind.

So, I'm going to take the stairs.  I'm going to park farther away from the grocery store doors.  I'm going to walk to pick my daughter up from school anytime I can.  I'm going to ride bikes with my kids for fun.  I'm going to make changes to improve my long term health instead of worrying over my one pound per week.

Wish me luck!

Failure

"Failure is not an option."  It's a phrase most people have heard, usually a line in a movie.  The real world, though, is full of failures.  In fact, most people measure their lives by their failures instead of their successes without even realizing it.  It's the "grass is always greener" concept.  People look at what they don't have and what they haven't accomplished instead of what they do have and what they have accomplished.  There's a reason envy is one of the 7 deadly sins.  It prevents people from truly living their lives. 

Lately, everything I've been doing has been eating at me.  I've been losing a pound a week.  I work my butt off for one lousy pound.  My aunt tries to rationalize to me that in a year that's 52 pounds.  A year?!  That would mean I would have worked my tail off for a year and would have barely made a dent in my weight.  Hmmm... is it worth it? 

I hate exercise.  I really do.  I honestly thought it would get easier to force myself out of bed in the mornings, but it hasn't.  If anything it's getting harder.  Plus, if I miss a day because I have to go in early to work or I turn my alarm off instead of hitting my snooze, then I have such a guilt complex I can hardly function.  That's not healthy.  Is it worth it? 

I've been sending my aunt what I eat each day because she has an app on her phone that tracks calories.  At the end of the day she sends me my grand totals.  All day I think about food...what should I eat...what shouldn't I.  If I eat something that isn't healthy I feel sick.  The feeling isn't from indigestion.  It's from guilt.  A bone crushing kind of guilt.  Is it worth it? 

Before I started I might not have really cared all that much about how I looked in the mirror.  Now it disgusts me.  Every time I look in the mirror I'm reminded that I'm fat and working my tail off everyday is only going to result in a 1 pound weight loss per week.  It's frustrating and it's depressing.  Is it worth it?  I'm starting to wonder.

Edible Traditions

Chocolate bunnies.  Jelly beans.  Candy corns.  Candy hearts.  Candy canes.  Turkey.  Stuffing.  Ham.  Pumpkin pies.  Pecan pies.  Traditions surrounding food go on and on.  Each holiday seems to have some sort of edible aspect to it.  Americans even have an entire holiday, Thanksgiving, dedicated to eating. 

Easter might technically be a Christian holiday, but Americans celebrate it in the most wonderfully Pagan ways.  Those ways include decorating boiled eggs (later turned into egg salad) and a giant rabbit who brings gifts much like Santa Clause does at Christmastime.  Unlike Santa who only visits good girls and boys, the Easter Bunny brings all sorts of tasty treats to anyone who puts out a basket.  

In my basket this year I received a 1 lbs chocolate bunny, jelly beans, robin eggs, and a new book.  The chocolate bunny alone had 2291 calories.  Yikes!  I know you’re wondering…did I eat the whole bunny.  I did not.  For the last two days I have eaten on it, each time making myself sick.  Today I threw out the last 1/8 of it.  I had to.  Being sick isn’t fun.  As for the jelly beans and robin eggs…I ate the red jelly beans and haven’t opened the carton of robin eggs yet. 

We’ve all read articles and seen on TV how Americans are getting fatter and fatter.  The experts blame it on fast food, lack of exercise, and an entitlement complex.  I wonder if they’ve thought about counting the edible traditions in our country among the culprits.

In the past they’ve been my downfall.  Now it’s just a matter of time to see if I can withstand them in the future.  Wish me luck!

Visitors

Having visitors is a mixed blessing.  I stick to my exercise routine (I might even push myself a little harder than I normally do), but I eat more unhealthy than I normally do. 

It's like because I'm a triple extra medium I order what is expected of me rather than what I know I should eat when we go out to a restaurant.  That's strange.  I've never been a people pleaser.  Never. 

Then I find myself ordering what I would have six months ago and using the excuse "well...I'm already fat" excuse to justify ordering a guacamole burger.  Now, I did order it with the bacon on the side (to give to my daughter) and no mayo, but taking away those calories really doesn't make a dent in the total calories of the burger. 

Oh, well.  Today is a new day.  I got up, got my exercise in, and now I'm going to go get ready for the day.  My parents are here from California and I intend on enjoying having them here.  I'm just going to do it while consuming fewer calories.  :) 

Have a great day, all!

Stiff

Exercise is supposed to make you feel younger not older, right?  If so, why do I feel like an old woman? 

Yesterday I did the two circuits of my workout and it just about killed me.  Jell-o isn't what my body felt like.  Pain.  That's what I felt in every cell of my body.  This morning I woke up and I can barely move.  I'm stiff and I feel like I'm riddled with arthritis. 

Today is payday, so this weekend I'm going to get a new DVD player with a remote and go back to Jillian.  She never hurt me.  She worked my tushie off and made me sore, but I never felt like this.  It's yucky! 

My workout this morning was half of what it normally is.  I tried to do jumping jacks, but I just couldn't.  I did what I could, which wasn't much, and hopefully this weekend I'll recover enough to enjoy my parents' visit from California.  Right now I'm depressed, and I just want to go back to bed and cry.  Hopefully, a hot shower will help. 

Wish me luck!

Sinus Infections and Exercise Don't Mix

I didn't hit my snooze button this morning.  Amazing, right?!  Not really.  My head is so stuffed up I can barely handle the pressure.  There is a little man in my sinuses seeing how big he can blow up his balloon and I just want to pop it!  Sleep was illusive.  I checked the time a million times, used an entire box of tissues, and coughed up stuff to rival people who have been smoking for 30 years.  Gross.  So, when my alarm went off I was already awake.  I though about staying in bed.  However, I couldn't breathe, so lying down equates to choking.  I got up.  I exercised.  The lovely stuff that kept running down my face would have made my mother puke (she can't even talk about snot).  The little man is still there and now my whole body feels like jell-o.  Ugh.  At least I got up and did what I was supposed to.  I'm going to go take some medicine and hop in a hot shower.  Wish me luck.  I need it today.

Morning People

Do you know anyone who can get up at 4AM and greet the day with a smile?  Do they relish the sunrise and awe in the awakening of the rest of the human race?  I'm not one of those people.  I'd rather sleep in as long as possible and wake up with barely enough time to get ready for the day. 

There are three alarms set in my bedroom.  Crazy.  I know.  I have the alarm that goes off to get me up to exercise.  I have the alarm to get me up in time to shower and do my hair should I accidentally turn the first alarm off.  Lastly, I have the alarm to get me up in time to shower and pull my hair up in a pontail should I accidentally turn off the first two alarms. 

I'm addicted to my snooze button, and every once in awhile I turn it off instead of hitting the snooze.  How is that possible?  I use my cell phone as an alarm.  Why?  The sound of a real alarm hurts my teeth like the sound of nails on a chalk board.  Plus, that sound puts me in a bad mood right off the bat.  My phone's alarm sounds like frogs.  It's enough to wake me up and doesn't grate on my nerves first thing in the morning. 

This morning I had turned off my alarm.  Luckily, my aunt texted me to check on me.  I guess she knew it's hard for me to get up and get going on Mondays.  Now I'm sweaty and smiling.  I'm smiling because I didn't have to stop through my whole workout.  That's right!  It's getting easier.  That means I'm going to have to add to it.  Maybe starting tomorrow I'll do it twice.  Jillian does circuits, so I will too.  Shower time!  Have a great day, all.

Half-Asleep and in Need of Motivation

My snooze button was irresistible this morning.  I hit it twice.  Then I remembered my aunt was out there waiting for her text message and that text was to follow a vigorous workout. 

Half-asleep I logged onto launchcast.com and turned on some music.  Half-asleep I got my weights and set them on the coffee table.  Half-asleep I started my jumping jacks.  That woke me up. 

With counting, concentrating on breathing, and keeping myself going I I have little time to actually think during my workouts.  As I did my cool down, though, the Pink song Perfect came on and made me smile.  It made me think about my motivation for exercising and eating better.  I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be.  I like me.  I just want a healthier me.  I forget that.  It's like I conveniently push it from my mind to give myself an excuse not to get up and get my workout in.  I need to remember why I'm doing this.  Suffering now will lead to more time with my children.  Pain now means the quality of my life will improve.  It won't always be this hard...or so my baby sister assures me. 

She and my dad LOVE exercise.  Does that make them nuts?  Maybe.  Or, maybe it means they're in good enough shape that the pain and suffering give them a high.  I want that to be me!!  The desire to cry and puke when I'm done isn't fun.  I just have to keep my eyes on the light at the end of the tunnel! 

Wish me luck!  Have a great day all!

My Aunt's Awesome Idea

My aunt texted me yesterday with an awesome idea...do the workout without Jillian and just listen to music.  She said I should text her when I was done as an added accountability issue.  I might not have Jillian there pushing me on, but I could imagine she was there encouraging me instead. 

It worked. 

Instead of timing myself I counted each exercise.  I did one of Jillian's circuits and counted out what I was doing...30 jumping jacks...50 jump ropes...30 jumping jacks...50 jump rope...15 push-ups (girly style)...30 static lunges with bicep curls...15 push-ups (girly style)...30 static lunges with bicep curls...30 crunches...30 reverse crunches...try not to puke as I do Jillian's cool down which is stretches. 

Now my arms feel like jell-o, my legs burn, and I feel like throwing up.  Did I mention the sweat running down my back and my face?  My whole body is trying to go into melt-down mode.  That's a good sign. 

Tomorrow I'll do the same thing.  Honestly, I almost liked this more than the workout with Jillian.  With this I'm in control.  Maybe once I replace my DVD player I'll trade off doing this and doing the 30 Day Shred. 

Thanks, Aunt Val!!  I love you!

Have a great day, all!

DVD players

Why is it technology doesn't last forever?  Why does it eventually fall apart or need to be upgraded?  My DVD player has been around for almost 10 years.  It's the first one I ever bought.  It's the same size as combo DVD/VHS players are now.  That's the way technology is, though.  Stuff starts off huge and then someone finds a way to minimize the size while maximizing the cool tricks it can do.  My DVD player has been broken since Monday.  Monday I went to do my workout with Jillian and my mammoth sized DVD player decided it no longer wanted to work.  It died.  Crap.  This is the third morning I haven't had Jillian and I feel like a big bloated water buffalo.  My menstrual cycle had deemed it PMS time, too, which doesn't help anything!  Ugh.  Payday isn't until the 15th and I don't have extra money hidden away just in case something in my house bites the dust.  Hmmm...that's probably something I should have.  Any suggestions for how I don't gain all of my weight back until I can get a new DVD player?  Not having my day start with Jillian leads me to eat stuff I shouldn't and be lazier than normal.  Don't ask me why.  I don't have an answer.  If I had to guess, I'd say starting the day sweating, grunting, and sick to my stomach helps keep me from overeating.  :)  Well, I'm off to get ready for work!  Have a great day!

A Rough Night

Last night I ended up with both of my kids in bed with me.  If that wasn't enough, my two-year-old cried on and off all night.  Sleep?  What sleep?  When my alarm went off this morning I wanted to cry.  Instead of cry, I reset it and slept in an extra 45 minutes.  I know I should have got my butt out of bed and done my workout with Jillian, but I was exhausted.  I'll do it tonight after dinner.

Safety Net

Have you ever noticed how on The Biggest Loser there always seems to be some emotional breakthrough for the contestants?  I never understood how being overweight could be anything but an over active fork and a lack of exercise.  After all, that's what led me to become a fatty.  Right?  After a talk with my baby sister I'm beginning to question what role my weight plays in my life. 

My weight keeps me from doing a lot of things.  One of those things is dating.  I use my "giggly parts" as an excuse for why I don't date.  Who could ever want to be with someone as fat as I am?  My weight is a safety net.  As long as I'm obese I don't have to put myself out there.  I don't have to risk being hurt.  I've been single for fourteen years.  For those of you keeping up with my blog, that's four years longer than I've had children.  My children are also close to eight years apart.  Why?  It took my that long to lose most of the 100 pounds I put on with my first pregnancy.  Once I lost the weight I became more confident and was able to put myself back out in the dating world.

It's not that I'm not confident now.  I am.  I am confident in my intelligence.  I am confident in my abilities as a teacher.  I am confident in my parenting skills.  I am not confident in my appearance when I look at myself naked in the mirror.  Honestly, when I look it doesn't seem real.  It's like some bad dream where I'm stuck in a fat suit made of cottage cheese and jell-o.

Each time I have lost my weight I've let myself open up and been burned.  As long as I'm fat I don't have to worry about it.  With the loss of my excess body fat comes the loss my safety net.  The thing is... I'm ready.  Up until this point I haven't been.  The idea of sharing my life with someone scared the begezus out of me.  It still does.  I'm willing to face that fear now.  The first thing I have to do before I can let my walls down is lose some weight.  I need to like what I see standing naked in front of a full length mirror.  That's where Jillian comes in.  She's going to kick my butt until I get there.

Being overweight is so much more than excess body fat.  It really does contain a lot of emotional baggage.  I'm learning to deal with mine.  Wish me luck!

Not Alone

My baby sister is here from California!!  I'm so excited!  What's even more exciting is she's doing my workouts with me.  She's in a lot better shape than I am and literally half my size at 5'3" and 130 pounds.  During our workout with Jillian, she was sweating and panting right along with me.  It's nice to see I'm not the only one dying.  :)  Granted, she did the advanced moves in level one and I did the beginner moves, but they were all still level one.  Chances are, though, she could have easily done level 3 whereas I'd be rushed to the hospital if I tried it!  Do you want to hear something cool?  She's decided to get Jillian's 30 Day Shred to do when she gets home.  Then we're going to move up to level 2 together in two months.  We're also setting goals for the next time she comes.  Mine is to be under 200 pounds.  She'll be back in August so that gives me almost 5 months to lose 60 pounds.  I can totally do that!  That's 12 pounds per month.  Totally doable.  I can't wait until tomorrow...we're going rollerskating!  Wish me luck!

Mondays

Weight: 258

Weight Lost this week: 2 pounds

Total Lost: 14 pounds

The thing about Mondays is they're the start of a week of work when I've just come off two lazy days.  Mondays not only represent going back to work at my job, but they also represent going back to work on my body.  Let me just say this...yuck!  I like sleeping in.  I like watching movies that don't require physical involvement.  On Mondays I have to get up early.  On Mondays I have to physically participate with Jillian's 30 Day Shred.  Boo for Mondays.

I did get up, though.  I did work out.  Now I'm going to go take a hot shower before I get ready for work and hope the desire to throw up goes away.  You know what's almost funny?  I actually thought since I did so much yard and house work (I mean, I sweated a lot) this weekend today wouldn't be so bad.  Ha ha ha.  Jokes on me!  The exercise still kicked my butt!!

Yard Work

Move over Jillian my lawn mower is giving you a run for your money!!  After a day full of yard work I can barely feel parts of my body.  With Jillian I have a 20 minute workout.  It's intense, but after 20 minutes it's done.  Yard work is less intense, but it's for an extended period of time.  I raked, mowed, and dug out two dead bushes.  Why do limbs turn to rubber?  What if I need my arms later?  Ugh.  At least I did some sweating today.  That might help offset the cookies I ate. 

I'm telling you, being on Spring Break has been a killer.  I'm scared to get on the scale on Monday.  It's going to groan when I step on it!!  No worries.  Monday starts a new week, and I'm going to get back on track.  I have been drinking my water and taking my vitamins.  That's a plus.  :) 

Tomorrow I have more yard work.  Is it sad I'm hoping for rain so I have an excuse not to do it?

Have a great weekend, all!

A Busy Day

Things are not going well for my exercise regiment.  I can't seem to drag myself out of bed when my alarm goes off and my kids aren't getting up until 10 AM.  That's mostly because of the time change.  So, once I'm up it's already a good way through the day, so I don't do my workout with Jillian and instead get started on my To-Do List.  I'm busy busy busy from the time I get up until dinner.  By then I'm pooped and can't motivate myself to workout either.  I told my daughter if it's nice tomorrow we'll go bike riding.  She's excited about that.  I'm hoping once I get going I'll be ok.

Eating is going pretty good.  I had some leftover frosting on a graham cracker after dinner, but other than that there has been no snacking.  Staying busy helped.  I stopped long enough to make my kids and myself lunch and eat.  Other than that, I didn't really eat during the day.  There's so much to do around the house!  The house is done now, so tomorrow I'm going to start on the garage.  I need my days to stay busy so I don't start raiding the refrigerator.  It's nice getting to spend so much time with my kids because we're on Spring Break, but it's hard to stay focused where changing my life in concerned.  It's easier to be healthy when there is structure.  Well, have a great week!

Spring Break

Weight:  260 lbs
Lost this week: 4 lbs
Total:  12 lbs

Last week went pretty good.  I exercised everyday which wasn't easy especially since my son had mouth surgery on Friday.  Sunday was a naughty day.  I took my kids to see Tangled at the dollar theater and we had buttered popcorn, soda, and candy.  We all split a large popcorn and it wasn't even half gone at the end of the movie.  In the past we would have brought it home and munched on it throughout the day, but instead we tossed it when we left.  The less temptation I have in the house the better off I am.  I didn't drink as much water as I should have, so that's something I'll need to improve on this week. 

This coming week is Spring Break, so life isn't as scheduled as it normally is.  I do better when there's structure.  It keeps me from overeating and gives me a set time to exercise.  I'm hoping by doing my workout when I first get up I'll be ok.  Plus, if I keep busy working on projects the snacking will be kept to a minimum.  Hopefully, the weather will be decent and my kids and I can go bike riding.  That will be fun exercise for everyone!  Yesterday there were showers and thunderstorms, but tomorrow it's supposed to clear up.  We'll see.

I can tell you the workouts haven't gotten easier.  Jillian says that those on day 5 should start feeling an increase in endurance, but the only thing I feel is an increase in the effort it takes me to lift my arms.  My aunt told me it takes 21 days for something to become a habit.  Do you think that includes activities you force yourself to do?  I hope so.  It would be nice to have exercise be a habit instead of a torture I subject myself to.  Well, wish me luck and have a great week!!

Snooze

I haven't decided if the snooze button is the best or worst invention ever.  I thought it was great before I started working out in the mornings.  Now, it's just one more temptation I have to deal with.  What the heck?!  Isn't it enough I have to steer clear of all the delicious snack foods?  Nope.  Now I have to force myself out of bed when I really want to sleep.  That's ok.  I did it this morning.  There was actually an internal argument over sleeping in.  I was trying to rationalize how long I really needed to get ready in the morning!  In the end I got up and worked out.  It wasn't fun.  I wished I had stayed in bed the whole time.  The point is...I did it.  Even though I didn't want to; I did it.  Hopefully it will get easier.  Not just the actual exercising but the eating right and getting up in the mornings.  Jillian used to be a fatty, didn't she?  Now she's the queen of good health.  I'm not saying I'm anything like her, but maybe knowing she hasn't always been fit will help me get through this.  Now I'm off to shower and try not to notice I can't feel any of my limbs.  Wish me luck!

Nauseous in the Morning

I decided to switch my workouts to the morning.  The evenings were just not working out.  My kids and I have so much going on all of the time, and trying to make sure we were at home and I was ready to workout at 7 PM was just a pain.  In the mornings all I have to do is not hit my snooze button 3 or 4 times.  This is actually a lot harder than it sounds.  I am not a morning person.  My alarm is set for 30 minutes before I actually want to get up for a reason.  However, this morning I got up when my alarm went off.  *pat myself on the back* Knowing my aunt was keeping tabs on me from across the country helped a lot, too.  So, I did my workout with Jillian.  It was harder than the first day!  Who knew that taking a break would reset my body?  Ugh.  Plus, now I’m nauseous.  Hopefully, that will wear off during the day.  My shower helped a little bit.  Whoever said working out in the morning was the best time to workout obviously wasn’t a fatty!!  Well, I’m off to get my kids ready for school.  Wish me luck!

Restart

Last week I didn't do so well with my getting healthy plan.  I didn't eat right nor did I exercise.  I was naughty and if the real Jillian were here she'd kick my a$$.  Unfortunately, she's not here.  I have to rely on myself.  I did get on the scale this morning.  I got lucky.  It read 264.  At least I didn't put on a whole bunch of weight.  Now it's time for me to get back on the horse and start again.  I can do this.

Week 2 Begins

Weight:  264 lbs

Weekly Weight Loss:  8 lbs

Total Weight Loss:  8 lbs

This morning before I stepped on the scale I considered weighing this evening instead after I had done one more work out with Jillian.  However, that's not what I had planned to do in the beginning, so I decided to stay with it and be happy with whatever number popped up on the scale.  I wasn't expecting an eight.  After all, there was the girl scout cookie fiasco and on Wednesday night I had a live online debate for one of my master's classes so I didn't get to workout. 

My clothes don't fit any differently, and my body still looks and feels the same.  The last time I tried to lose weight it was the same thing.  It took me losing 20 pounds before I noticed.  What happened with that?  It was the Biggest Loser at my mom's school.  I signed up thinking the competition would motivate me to get healthy.  Then it became all about the numbers of everyone else.  I killed myself dieting and exercising sometimes twice a day.  It wasn't fun and depriving myself of things made me gorge on weigh in days.  I did really good the first few months.  Then Thanksgiving hit.  I started eating and I couldn't stop.  I quit exercising because I felt like a failure.  It was depressing watching everyone else's numbers go down and mine bob from gaining to losing what I had gained, so I quit trying.  I gave up.  This time it's going to be different.  I'm not dieting.  I'm changing.  Watch out waistline!  This time you're gone for good! 

And the Bile Will Rise

Everyone has a weakness (some have many).  Like Superman has kryptonite, I have.... girl scout cookies.  That's right.  Samoas beckon to me.  They sing praises to my name as I devour them.  I know what you're thinking... just don't buy any.  If you're not a fatty then you cannot understand the allure of the cookie.  We all laughed in Beverly Hills Troop when the girl scouts sold cookies outside the gym and were rushed by some overly large women, but that scene isn't far from the truth.  I was heading into Walmart and the table holding the girl scouts looked wonderful.  I would swear I could smell the coconut and chocolate wafting through the air.  It wasn't until I was almost finished consuming the first box that the "To eat or not to eat" thought drifted into my mind.  The delicious combination the Samoa offers blinded me to anything else.  Then I felt sick.  Not from the actual eating but from the thought of what I had just consumed.  It took me less than 10 minutes to consume 2,000 calories.  Disgusting!  If this had been The Biggest Loser I would have just crashed and burned on a challenge.  Having all of that sweet stuff in my stomach while I did my workout tonight didn't help much either.  The bile sat in my throat the whole workout and it's still there.  Waiting.  Oh, well.  I have to look at the silver lining.  Before I started this journey I would have killed two boxes of Samoas while I grocery shopped and not thought anything of it.  So, even though my workout tonight didn't even begin to touch the calories I consumed at least I'm learning to recognize poor decisions.  Next time, hopefully, I'll be more conscious of what I stuff in my face and I'll be able to resist the decadent cookie.

Rubber Limbs

Weight:  272 pounds 
(7 pounds lighter than when I started my blog)

Waist:  47.5"

Hips:  52"

Thigh:  33"

Calf:  19.5"

Upper Arm:  18"

Neck:  16"

My first experience with Jillian has left my legs rubber, my arms dead weights, and a slightly nauseous feeling in my stomach.  Did I mention the lightheadedness and the desire to curl up on the floor and sleep?  The routine wasn't as bad as I thought.  Well, ok...so I wanted to die 2 minutes into it.  What I mean is Jillian is really supportive through the whole workout.  She's not screaming from the screen making the person working out want to cry.  There are a couple of moments when she's less than nice, but she's not outright witchy with a capital B like she is on the Biggest Loser. 

My almost ten year old daughter did the routine with me.  She's tall and slender, and she wants to stay that way.  :)  That's good.  We'll help her develop some good habits that will last her a lifetime.  I bought her a set of 2 pound weights so she could do all of the exercises with me.  After it was over she gave me a high-five and told me I'd be skinny in no time.  I could barely lift my arm to return the gesture and I think I mumbled something congratulatory to her, but I wouldn't swear to it.  Now I'm going to go take a hot shower before I put my kids to bed.  Then there is a good chance I'll be going to bed right after that.  The good news...I did it! 

Fat on Valentine's Day

Being a big woman is a challenge.  There are the little things like running out of breath climbing stairs, having a difficult time finding flattering clothes, and looking in the mirror while naked.  Then there are the mid-level things like getting infections in all of one’s crevices (trust me this is much grosser and more painful than you can even imagine), brown armpits (yep…being fat can cause discoloration of your armpits), and the constant battle with the “fat” smell.  Then there are the large things like worrying about dying before your kids are old enough to really remember you at all.  All of those things make being triple extra medium not so fun.

Now, take all of the depressing things you just read and add to that a holiday designed to make single people feel like total losers and you’ll have a small idea of how I normally feel on Valentine’s Day. 

This year is going to be different, though.  I bought Jillian’s 30 Day Shred and I’m going to celebrate V-day by starting my new exercise regiment.  I’m going to try something to better my life (and my kids’). Tomorrow I’m going to weigh myself and take all of my measurements.  I’m also going to take my picture.  Then, Monday through Friday I’m going to do the following:

1. Take my vitamins (weekends, too)
2. Drink 32 ounces of water (weekends, too)
3. Eat veggies with dinner
4. No junk food
5. Do Jillian’s 30 Day Shred at 7 PM nightly

Each Monday I’m going to weigh myself and take a picture.  At the end of 12 weeks I’m going to take new measurements.  I’m nervous and excited all at the same time!!  I’ll keep you posted on how things are going.  Wish me luck!

Changing Habits

I've been doing really good sticking to my goals.  I haven't been eating junk food during the week and I have been eating veggies with dinner every night.  Walking my dog in the evenings has been a little more difficult because it's been FREEZING here.  I've lost 3 pounds, but one pound a week is hardly making a dent.  I need results.  They don't have to be Biggest Loser numbers, but I'd like to know changing my habits is really improving my health.  Tomorrow when I go grocery shopping I'm going to get Jillian's 30 day shred and try it.  My sister said it's wonderful.  We'll see.  Once it warms up I'll walk the dog and set up a time when my kids and I can ride our bikes 3 days a week.  Until then, I'm going to keep up my new eating habits.  I also need to start taking vitamins regularly.  My kids get them everyday, so why not take mine, too?  Wish me luck!!

A New Beginning

Life is full of suprises.  Some of them are wonderful like when you're little and you find your mom put an extra cookie and an "I love you" note in your lunch box.  Others are not so great like being in the third grade and finding out you have to wear headgear to school for the next year. 

My life has been full of surprises both good and bad.  Recently I stepped on the scale and was surprised how high the number was.  Ever since I had my daughter, almost 10 years ago, I've struggled with my weight.  If I work hard I can drop weight, but the second I quit working my tail off I put the weight back on plus at least 20 pounds.  It's not fun.  After I had my son, who just turned 2, I quit trying.  I just gave up and let my bad habit reek havok on my body.  Looking in the mirror wasn't an issue because what I saw didn't really matter.  It didn't bother me.  It still doesn't.  I could happily curl up in my chair with a tub of ice cream and watch The Biggest Loser on TV.  The fact I now weigh as much as a lot of them registered but not enough for me to stop eating and start moving.  The number on the scale yesterday was.  It was a depressing moment in my life.  I guess I should tell you a little bit about myself.

I'm a single mom with two amazing children.  Although I'm a certified mathematics teacher, I've been working as a subtitute teacher until I can find a teaching job.  There hasn't been a time in my life where I was self-conscious.  I've always been comfortable in my own skin.  I am who I am and that's all right by me.  I've never been a bean pole.  Curves have always been a part of my life.  I like them.  No.  That's an understatement.  I love them.  I have always loved being curvy.  Now, for those of you trying to envision curvy let me explain...curvy does not mean fat!  It means your waist is distinguishable from your hips and bust.  It's also refered to as having an hour glass figure.  That was me...I was a comfortable size 10.  I wasn't athletic, but I was active.  It wasn't unusual to walk 10 miles a night at my job at a casino.  Then I was blessed with my daughter.  I quit my job at the casino and went back to college.  I traded walking 10 hours a night to sitting in a desk 10 hours a day.  It didn't help that I picked up a see-food diet.  I saw food.  I ate food.  When I gave birth to my daughter I was 100 pounds heavier than when I started my pregnancy.  It took me 7 years to drop 50 pound.  Then I was blessed with my son and 80 more pounds.  Two years after the birth of my son and I'm closing in on the 300 pound mark.  That's scarey. That's depressing.

However, that number is also a wake up call.  What I'm doing isn't working and what I've done in the past won't work either.  I need a new plan.  I need a new beginning.  That's going to come by me making weekly obtainable goals that deal with my eating habits and activity level. 

This week my goals are:
1.  No junk food Monday-Friday
2.  Veggies with dinner
3.  Drink 32 ounces of water each day
4.  Walk Nala (our dog) everyday after work

I'll let you know how it goes.  Wish me luck!