Safety Net

Have you ever noticed how on The Biggest Loser there always seems to be some emotional breakthrough for the contestants?  I never understood how being overweight could be anything but an over active fork and a lack of exercise.  After all, that's what led me to become a fatty.  Right?  After a talk with my baby sister I'm beginning to question what role my weight plays in my life. 

My weight keeps me from doing a lot of things.  One of those things is dating.  I use my "giggly parts" as an excuse for why I don't date.  Who could ever want to be with someone as fat as I am?  My weight is a safety net.  As long as I'm obese I don't have to put myself out there.  I don't have to risk being hurt.  I've been single for fourteen years.  For those of you keeping up with my blog, that's four years longer than I've had children.  My children are also close to eight years apart.  Why?  It took my that long to lose most of the 100 pounds I put on with my first pregnancy.  Once I lost the weight I became more confident and was able to put myself back out in the dating world.

It's not that I'm not confident now.  I am.  I am confident in my intelligence.  I am confident in my abilities as a teacher.  I am confident in my parenting skills.  I am not confident in my appearance when I look at myself naked in the mirror.  Honestly, when I look it doesn't seem real.  It's like some bad dream where I'm stuck in a fat suit made of cottage cheese and jell-o.

Each time I have lost my weight I've let myself open up and been burned.  As long as I'm fat I don't have to worry about it.  With the loss of my excess body fat comes the loss my safety net.  The thing is... I'm ready.  Up until this point I haven't been.  The idea of sharing my life with someone scared the begezus out of me.  It still does.  I'm willing to face that fear now.  The first thing I have to do before I can let my walls down is lose some weight.  I need to like what I see standing naked in front of a full length mirror.  That's where Jillian comes in.  She's going to kick my butt until I get there.

Being overweight is so much more than excess body fat.  It really does contain a lot of emotional baggage.  I'm learning to deal with mine.  Wish me luck!