Serious Anxiety

Last night was wretched.  I just knew that if I fell asleep I wasn’t going to wake up.  My mind raced over the fact that because I’m morbidly obese chances of my having a heart attack are HUGE especially since I have a family history of heart disease.  The idea of my kids waking up to a dead mommy seriously stressed me out.  That anxiety turned into a minor attack which felt like a heart attack which fed my worries. 

You would think worrying so much over my weight would kick start my not-so-tiny hiney into gear, but it doesn’t.  I’ll do great for a couple of weeks.  I record what I eat and stay within a certain calorie range.  I exercise every morning.  Then, one day, I’ll sleep in or I’ll splurge on some high fat high calorie treat and I’m off the wagon.  Every time I fall off the wagon it’s harder to get back on because I put on 10-15 pounds while I’m off.  What is wrong with me?  I just want to be healthy.  I don’t want to worry about dying before my 2 year old remembers me.  I want to be there when my daughter graduates college.  It’s not going to happen if I stay the weight I am.  I will die early.  Ugh.

My aunt and baby sister both think I should get a gastric bypass.  I would love to get a surgery to help.  The problem is they are EXPENSIVE.  I don’t have that kind of money and if I did there are a lot of other things I need before I need weight loss surgery.  A friend of mine got her tubes untied in Mexico.  Maybe I should look into what the surgery would cost there.  Then maybe I could afford it.  I just don’t know what to do.  Diet and exercise seem like the perfect solution, but when you’re 150 pound overweight dieting feels like depriving yourself which causes some serious mental issues and exercise hurts and makes you sick. 

Any ideas?