Stressed vs. Depressed

The Webster’s New World Dictionary 1990 (yes, it’s a printed dictionary instead of an online one…laugh if you want to, but I like using an old school dictionary) provides the following definitions:

stress:  3a) mental or physical tension

depress:  2) to sadden; deject

Using these two definitions it makes sense that if people are under a lot of stress, then that stress will eventually lead to becoming depressed.  I have been suffering from both recently.

Why?  Well, let’s recap my last year.  I moved to Oklahoma.  It was a great decision I don’t regret.  My children are thriving and they are growing up knowing relatives they may never have met otherwise.  I was unable to find a teaching job, so I’ve been substitute teaching.  It’s been a great experience, but I can barely afford to pay my bills.  Plus, today was my last day of work.  I’ve applied to over a dozen places for a summer job, but I have yet to get a call for an interview.  Next school year is also up in the air since I have yet to secure a teaching job.  I’m also lonely.  My daughter has made numerous friends, but I have yet to make one.  Not having anyone near me is hard.  I have my aunts and my grandma, but that’s not the same as having a friend.  I also sold my truck and bought a car.  My truck had some issues, like having to get out the passenger side Dukes of Hazard style, but its engine and air conditioning worked great.  My car is a piece of crap.  I’ve replaced its pulley system, it alternator, and had to fork over a big chunk of money to get the a/c fixed.  It ran fine for about a month.  Now it’s making horrible noises again and the a/c no longer works.  What else?  Oh, yeah, my garbage disposal died tonight while I was cleaning the kitchen.  Fabulous, right?!

Last, but definitely not least…I have put on a good 50 pounds since I moved here.  Yep, fifty pounds in twelve months.

So….the stresses in my life…1) no job for the summer = no way to pay my bills in July or August, 2) no job for next school year = no way to pay my bills starting in September, 3) no friends = crushing loneliness, 4) my car sucks, 5) other little issues that keep popping up like the garbage disposal, and 6) weight gain = none of my clothes fit, I hate looking in the mirror, etc.

Yikes.  That’s a long list.  It’s not as bad as I thought it was, though, and it could be a lot worse, so I guess I shouldn’t get depressed.  The problem is no matter how I rationalize it, depression isn’t always rational.  Little stresses add up quickly.  When I get stressed out I eat.  When I eat a lot I start feeling lousy.  When I start feeling lousy I quit caring about exercising.  Then I gain weight which adds to my stress level.  Pretty soon every little thing piles up to the point I’m in a downward tailspin where I just want to crawl under the covers and ignore the world. 

Unfortunately, I can’t hide.  I have to take care of my children.  They’re the only thing holding me together. 

I need to find a way to battle my boughts of sadness.  I need to find a way to get myself back into the habits that will lead to a healthier me.  It’s hard to do that when I have no motivation whatsoever.  My dad telling me my weight will kill me doesn’t motivate me. My pants not fitting doesn’t motivate me.  I don’t know what would.  I HATE exercise.  I LOVE eating.  Those two things combined have only one outcome…morbid obesity. 

I keep thinking if I could reduce some of the stresses in my life, then maybe I could find a way to motivate myself.  The question is how.  I wish I had answers.  All I have right now is questions.

Good luck to those of you in your own battles with stress, depression, and getting healthy.  If you find something that works send it my way.  God knows I could use some help!!